long day

hello,

i havent posted anything in a while and mainly due to being so busy with uni and assignments whilst still trying to find time to hang out with my friends- if i don’t make an effort and make myself indispensable i’ll probably never hear from them. in the few months that have been this year i’ve been on more ups and downs, mostly downs and i feel terrible. you don’t really understand how fragile the mental psyche is until you’re bipolar, introverted whilst being extremely friendly and talkative, insecure, constantly overthinking and also a closeted bisexual. on top of being sleep deprived, keeping up appearances is extremely exhausting and i question everything- who i am, who i want to be, do people like me, am i damaged, am i worth it, am i worthless?

what makes me feel even more worthless is the fact that one of my closest friends and  the only person i’m out to has constantly been growing distant and i’m sure its due to him making new friends and no longer needing me, and i’m not surprised. this is a repeatedly occurring cycle for me… the cherry on the cake being the small talk about how we never talk even though i always have to make the effort. even worst by best friend and my favourite person has repeatedly been ditching me to hang out with this girl and lying about it. i wouldn’t mind too much- i know her and i know he wouldn’t hurt him… it’s the lies that really makes it painful. i cant count so many time when i’ve asked to hang out or when he’s cancelled due to doctors appointments, chores, assignments and other things only to later find out he hung out with her. i mean he still had to do all those things but he made me believe we couldn’t hang out because of those things rather than telling me it was because of her. this isn’t the first time i’ve taken second priority, previously every time we’ve hung out with his ex best friend (who only reconciled with him after i forced them too even though no one from the group wanted to talk to him) he’s literally ditched me and hung out with the other friend instead. it makes me feel so sh*t and worthless to repeatedly be put second to the person i always put first and i am so tired of being used when convenient and tossed aside when no longer necessary. its even worst than that because i keep asking and i keep trying to meet up and all i get is excuses.

i got so mad and eventually brought up this whole lying, ditching girl thing and he admitted he was in the wrong and apologised instantly which is odd for him. but yesterday i had asked him i he wanted to hang out in the city today with another mate but he told me he was busy as he had planned to have dinner with his dad and look for a gift for mothers day. however before leaving today i called him just to make sure he couldn’t make it, and when i asked what he was up to sad he was on the train and i asked why and he said to go meet with this girl. i felt so cut that i said “cool” and hung up. i think he must have felt bad because he called later and said he could come.

i don’t know what to do anymore and i am tired of friends treating me like sh*t when i give them nothing but loyalty and honesty.

what makes it worst i feel like sh*t for ignoring him the whole night and he sounded so upset when he said goodbye and i’m torn with being upset and feeling guilty. he shouldn’t be the one upset, i am yet i feel so ad for ruining his night.

i know i won’t feel good until we’ve spoken about it but i know it’ll be me reaching out first. he doesn’t get that i truly love him as a friend and would never stop being friends with him no matter how mad i get at him, but i get the feeling that if i did stuff like this he wouldn’t hesitate to end the friendship.

i am gullible and i wear my heart on my sleeve

i am broken

i am tired

 

new day

hi again,

if you managed to find your way through my last post (it was a long ass post, no judgement if you hadn’t) and you’re back for more, thank you. i’m not sure who or why I’m thanking people, but I think the fact that people could be taking time out of their day to read this and perhaps even relate to it or find my story, and what i have to say, interesting it sort of validates me in someway (idk how, it just does). if any of you need to talk about anything just comment below or send me a message or something.

so anyways, today was my third day of uni and it started a bit weird because my friend and i got into a fight last night. he was being overdramatic and i wasn’t having any of it so we just kinda ended yesterday on a bad note. i didn’t get much sleep last night either- i went to bed at 3 am, and boy was there hell to pay. my focus was all over the place during my french tutorial (my teacher btw is so nice and i just love her already, lol) and french workshop, and as soon as i finished i came home and ate some food before passed out on the bed before waking up to a million messages (okay, it was more like three). one of my mates has this uni party this friday and invited me and a couple of others and i was a bit cut because he was making a big deal about uni and how he won’t know anyone even though he basically makes friends wherever, whereas i’m antisocial as fuck. so he was telling me about these two guys he met who are really cool and is already really close to them and i literally have not seen the same person twice, it makes it really hard. most of my friends are settling in quite well, one of them has met two girls who’s doing the same course and their making a facebook page to help each other out, two go to the same uni as me however one of them already knew someone beforehand and the other has made friends with the girls in his nursing course and the guys on the rugby team. so its hard not to feel alone when it takes you a while and everyone else has just moved on so quickly.

my best friend and i don’t even talk that much anymore (not that we really did anyways) and we hardly catch up even though we live around the corner. truth be told, i really miss my old best friend. we had only known each other for under a year but we just clicked straight away and got along really well, we stayed up till 3 am talking to each other, would see each there everyday, would talk about everything to each other and tell each other our deepest darkest secret. she was one of the most beautiful person i’d ever met, so talented with her voice, genuinely nice and so wise for her age- i loved her so much (we use to say we love each other all the time, so its not that weird or a big a deal). however that ended badly and the damage can still be felt every time we do catch up, twice maybe even once a month max. to be fair i was really clingy because i had history falling out with my other friends (one thing about my friends is they always leave me, no matter what they say it always happens. even with my current best friend i can feel him drifting away), but what really bothered her was me being so insecure about our friendship no matter how many time she reassured me she’d never leave me (ironically, she stopped talking to me), and i’d always be paranoid when she spoke about other friends and i’d fear that she had found someone else better than me (i have this weird thing where i feel like i’m a really sh*t person and that as soon as people find out more about me or meet someone new and better then i’m out the picture). we had so many arguments but none of them were about anything important and we’d laugh at how stupid we were a minute later, and revel in the fact that we’ve never had a fight. however during the end of my last year in high school she became distant and stopped talking to me and i had no idea what to do, it was the worst possible timing with final exams coming up so i just disassociated and shut all that out and haven’t really come to terms with the loss even now. i was strangely unaffected. she has since apologised and said that she made a mistake and how she misses me, she misses us and all that but the damage has been done- it will never be the same.

every now and then when we do catch up we’re ok, but we’re not as close as we used to be. which hurts so much. i’m sure she feels it too, every now and then her eyes would sparkle up whenever we’d be lost in a fit of laughter and she’ll say how much she misses this and that she wants her best friend back and that she’s sorry, and i’ll say the same and that i forgive her but when its time to say goodbye everything would be back to the way they were. its sad but sh*t like this happens all the time and as cliche as it sounds I’m just happy i got to experience it and be so happy for a whole year with someone so beautiful.

i will leave it at that- even though i had planned on only making a short post tonight i was never really good with organisation and structure.

so in the words of the people of our generation

YOLO.

0330330004.01.LZZZZZZZ

hey

Hello,

If you’ve stumbled across this page either randomly by chance, I wanna thank you for being a part of this. For now I’m not sure what this is other than reoccurring idea I’ve had over the last couple of years. Surfacing and disappearing every now and then, usually showing in my manic phases before I lose the energy and begin to question everything? Why would I do this? What would I gain from this? Why would people read this. But right now I am sound in mind and this looks like a pleasant outlet to voice the happenings and feels in my life without the social pressures in today’s world. A world which makes it easy to forget people like me, people that blend in and observe. Camouflaged by our introverted personalities full of these intricate thoughts and ideas we wish we could share, plagued by our over thinking abilities that comes in the form of a blessing in a curse, helping us notice when something’s not right whilst leading to insane and inexplicable paranoia. But I digress. Hi again. If you hadn’t picked up before I’m bipolar. It’s a weird thing to be – constantly repeating cycles of mania and depression. It’s heavily stereotyped and there are so many misconceptions due to it being very different from person to person. But that’s not all I am. There’s nothing worst then people asking “are you bipolar?”, no I’m a human being. It would be more pleasant if people ask “do you have bipolar?”, (although its best not to ask unless you know the person). Although my favourite number is 3, it seems 2 has taken a liking to me – I am also bisexual. Although most people think that us bisexual folks are just really horny people, we’re more than that. Also once we take a liking to a person, it’s just the same as you heterosexual and a homosexual folks. We just choose not to let what sits between people’s legs stop us from falling in love with them. And I think thats pretty cool except for the social stigma and lack of awareness. A lot of people think being bi is just a phase. That we’re either just experimenting or that we’re really just homosexuals. But we’re not.

Okay so far this post has been a bit depressing and mainly highlights what society would deem as undesirable traits (which is totally not true- I am me because of who I am, if that makes any sense at all…), I shall let you know a bit more about me. I am 18 and I live in Australia, I wasn’t born here but we’ve taken quite a liking to each other. I’m currently attending university, hopefully majoring in something useful (marine biology and psychology) that I can use to help the save the world from us and us from ourselves. Outlandish? Yes, but like some famous dude once said “aim for the moon, even if you miss you’ll land amongst the stars”. I love to travel and I’ve been to Italy, Kenya, South Africa, Mauritius, Dubai, Vietnam, Singapore, Indonesia and New Zealand and I would love to got to the US and visit the rest of Europe. I also love planes, ever since I was a child I was enamoured by these steel birds. I used to love the feeling of take offs and landings but I mostly enjoy the safety that comes with being sixty thousand feet in the air. It’s like being suspended in time devoid of responsibilities and social pressures. For a couple of hours and I can just exist without having to do anything else other than breathe and stay alive.

I love music and I wish I was talented enough to produce some, however I can sing averagely and the only instrument I know how to play is the saxophone (a mighty beast that belongs in shady jazz clubs and in the hands of someone much more capable than I). My genre of music is very eclectic, so it’s really hard to tell you who I listen to without this turning into a thesis or leaving out some really well deserving artists and feeling guilty.

I also love to read, mostly fiction as I seem to be able to disassociate and immerse myself in a world where villains are clear as day and the heroes can be anyone. The sort of black and white our world isn’t – which makes it so much harder for us over thinkers.

Anyways I feel like I’m reaching the end of this manic episode and I feel like I should end this post before I decide to delete it all.

But before I go I feel like I should let you guys know about this book that I read once and really liked it. It’s called “Walk Two Moons” and its by Sharon Creech. Maybe I’ll make this a thing, idk.

Goodnight.