i havent posted anything in a while and mainly due to being so busy with uni and assignments whilst still trying to find time to hang out with my friends- if i don’t make an effort and make myself indispensable i’ll probably never hear from them. in the few months that have been this year i’ve been on more ups and downs, mostly downs and i feel terrible. you don’t really understand how fragile the mental psyche is until you’re bipolar, introverted whilst being extremely friendly and talkative, insecure, constantly overthinking and also a closeted bisexual. on top of being sleep deprived, keeping up appearances is extremely exhausting and i question everything- who i am, who i want to be, do people like me, am i damaged, am i worth it, am i worthless?
what makes me feel even more worthless is the fact that one of my closest friends and the only person i’m out to has constantly been growing distant and i’m sure its due to him making new friends and no longer needing me, and i’m not surprised. this is a repeatedly occurring cycle for me… the cherry on the cake being the small talk about how we never talk even though i always have to make the effort. even worst by best friend and my favourite person has repeatedly been ditching me to hang out with this girl and lying about it. i wouldn’t mind too much- i know her and i know he wouldn’t hurt him… it’s the lies that really makes it painful. i cant count so many time when i’ve asked to hang out or when he’s cancelled due to doctors appointments, chores, assignments and other things only to later find out he hung out with her. i mean he still had to do all those things but he made me believe we couldn’t hang out because of those things rather than telling me it was because of her. this isn’t the first time i’ve taken second priority, previously every time we’ve hung out with his ex best friend (who only reconciled with him after i forced them too even though no one from the group wanted to talk to him) he’s literally ditched me and hung out with the other friend instead. it makes me feel so sh*t and worthless to repeatedly be put second to the person i always put first and i am so tired of being used when convenient and tossed aside when no longer necessary. its even worst than that because i keep asking and i keep trying to meet up and all i get is excuses.
i got so mad and eventually brought up this whole lying, ditching girl thing and he admitted he was in the wrong and apologised instantly which is odd for him. but yesterday i had asked him i he wanted to hang out in the city today with another mate but he told me he was busy as he had planned to have dinner with his dad and look for a gift for mothers day. however before leaving today i called him just to make sure he couldn’t make it, and when i asked what he was up to sad he was on the train and i asked why and he said to go meet with this girl. i felt so cut that i said “cool” and hung up. i think he must have felt bad because he called later and said he could come.
i don’t know what to do anymore and i am tired of friends treating me like sh*t when i give them nothing but loyalty and honesty.
what makes it worst i feel like sh*t for ignoring him the whole night and he sounded so upset when he said goodbye and i’m torn with being upset and feeling guilty. he shouldn’t be the one upset, i am yet i feel so ad for ruining his night.
i know i won’t feel good until we’ve spoken about it but i know it’ll be me reaching out first. he doesn’t get that i truly love him as a friend and would never stop being friends with him no matter how mad i get at him, but i get the feeling that if i did stuff like this he wouldn’t hesitate to end the friendship.
i am gullible and i wear my heart on my sleeve
i am broken
i am tired